The Flaws That Make Us Fall In Love

We are all born with the idea that our life will go a certain way and that we will be fortunate enough to find someone exceptional to love. We have an indestructible faith that we will meet someone that is our soulmate, and with whom we will spend our entire life with. Even when the odds and statistics contradict us, we keep on having that same dream.

Gradually, however, we learn that not everything lasts forever and that people might leave us, at some point. So, after some disappointments, we start to feel unsettled and insecure and – out of a need to protect ourselves – we begin to find fault in every partner and walk out on the people who come into our life, long before they have a chance to leave us.

Art by Wouter Vandevoorde

Out of the anxiety to be heartbroken another time, we subconsciously create pointless drama to push people away. While we might be under the impression that people always leave us, it is much more likely that we are self-sabotaging every relationship we take part in, simply to protect ourselves from being hurt again.

If no one is ever good enough for us, it is clear that we may have unrealistic notions about what a relationship is like, because being in a relationship is not all roses and fairy dust. We will need the courage to step out of our comfort zone, if we want to find something special and worthwhile, and not something common or boring.

Fighting with your lover is expected. You cannot avoid it. The only thing you can avoid is negative patterns with regards to arguing without a real reason. Having someone in your life who holds you accountable is fantastic. Having someone in your life who is only blaming you for things, it becomes an unbearable burden. The fights you do have, should make you come out stronger. You have to deal with what the other does or says, because you don’t want them to hide for you, and you always want to know where you stand.

If you consistently point out shortcomings in the other, and will find fault in everything they think or do, you will never be happy with that person, as you can’t feel attached to someone if you are always seeing them in a bad light. If you expect them to be perfect, the downfall of your relationship will be unavoidable, because if you look for a reason why you shouldn’t be with somebody, you will surely find one.

The lovey-dovey couples depicted in romantic novels are a figment of our imagination. In the real world we have to keep our jobs, make time for friends and family, and get through the daily grind, which doesn’t always makes us fun to be with. We are not always available for our partner, and this fact alone causes couples to break up, far more often than it should.

It is the unrealistic expectations that ruin our love life. The lesson in reality is often in finding the determination to see that our partners are not only there to please us, and that their world doesn’t revolve around us, but that they need time for themselves, for other people and things, and that this does not automatically mean that they are neglecting us.

When there isn’t enough room in a relationship to just be yourself, to have your quirks accepted, the relationship won’t stand the test of time. So, try not to go against the other for what he or she is and what he or she believes. Don’t try to change them into that perfect lover that you had in mind, as it is very unlikely that you yourself will be the perfect lover to them.

If you believe that – for some reason – someone is not made for you, eventually you are – beyond a doubt – going to end up without them, maybe end up with someone fake, and that is the opposite of what you actually want and need.

It is better to not want somebody perfect, as love isn’t perfect, and people are not perfect. It is not achievable to have a perfect love, just as it is not attainable to be a flawless person.

In a way, it is the flaws that make us fall in love.


© 2017 – David Lee Kollberg



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