I’m Too Fucking Old For This…

My mind refuses to understand that I’m 50+. It will feel like it is 27 forever. Yet my body is fully aware of my age. People tend to lie to themselves and say that they are cool growing older. I’m not. It sucks to get older. My body is aching all the time.

Sparkles of Energy
Sparkles

The one good thing about getting older is that there are an increasingly number of things that I can’t bother about anymore.

Like accepting invitations to venues I don’t want to go to. Years ago I used this “convenient excuses list”, when now I just tell people flat-out that I don’t feel like going. After a while they start to admire this kind of blunt response. They realize I am getting older and grumpier every day and understand my inbuilt reluctance to come to their festivities. Often, as a sign of their deep respect for my honesty, they don’t even invite me.

Aside from my underwear, changing my clothes every day isn’t important, anymore. Shirts will be worn two days in the summer and three days in the winter, before washing them. Jeans will be okay until they start to cause a rash on the legs or it is starting to show that they are dirty. Except, jeans never really get dirty, do they? They do start to smell after a while, though, so when people start to behave as if I am dragging a dead animal around, it is usually my cue to put jeans in the laundry. Lately I tend to avoid laundry altogether by embracing a nudist lifestyle.

Life’s too short to read bad books. Sometimes it is clear from page one that a book will not be able to entice me. When a book is boring, poorly written and pretentious, it is basically not worthwhile to be read beyond page 20. Depending on the font that was used, the letter spacing and the amount of dialogue, it is downright mind-numbing to keep on reading a mediocre book past page 20. Especially when the prose is repetitive or repetitive.

As much as I hate reading bad books, I love watching killer TV shows from morning to night. To watch episode after episode of a favourite TV show makes me happy, and you won’t catch me being ashamed about it. Yes, it has happened that I have spent an entire weekend lounging naked on the couch, with Chinese take-away, bags of potato chips and a big carton of red wine, watching for the nth time all five seasons of Breaking Bad. Binge watching might be considered an asocial activity, but becoming more asocial is not a big worry of mine.

I’m no longer willing to act like someone has a valid point, just to make them feel good. Even if their point is valid, I will fire all kinds of irrelevant phrases at them, like “You are being very defensive” or “Did you get this information on Facebook?”, just to shut them up. Another technique I often use is to compare them to Hitler. When somebody is obviously right and I cannot come up with an immediate response that makes sense, I will reply with “That sounds almost like something Hitler would have said.”

My house is a mess. When you get older you are able to tolerate that not everything is squeaky clean. Since I’m not having many guests over, there’s really no need to keep my home clean and organized. Yes, I guess I’m a bit of a slob, but voluntarily wasting my precious time on cleaning the house is really not my thing. When drinking some more gin & tonics, the house looks a lot cleaner.

I’m fed up with people telling me that my ‘positive attitude’ is going to save the day. It won’t. Positive thinking had kamikaze pilots wearing helmets, while it was obvious that wearing a helmet while crashing your plane into a cast iron ship, would not be very effective. A serious illness is not going to heal by itself, just by having an optimistic stance. At the end of the day we are all floating around in this cosmic soup called life, and it won’t matter how convinced we are that things will turn out fine: they will, or they won’t.

Usually it doesn’t take me very long to realize if I like people. I used to give the insupportable people a second chance, considering that my first impression of them might have been wrong. It turned out that first impressions are seldom wrong. And even if they were, I wasn’t going to spend time finding out. Sometimes people are just assholes. Sure, if you dig deep enough, you’ll find something good in everybody. That said I have not the ambition nor the time to look for the hidden charm in people.

What are you too old for?

DLK

© 2017 – David Lee Kollberg

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  • Marja

    <3

  • Sara

    You don't have to be above 50 to notice that you can just not make the effort anymore. Today (at 33) I realized I'm too old to laugh or even smile when a pretentious guy who clearly finds himselve very interesting makes a remark just to make a remark, to get some attention. Any attention.. Usually these guys are not even close to funny, and often kind of rude because they think it's cool or something. If the situation gives me the chance to act like I didn't hear him, I take it. If it doesn't, I look at him with my best poker face and I say: 'Uhu, could be, but I don't really care'. A few years ago I would have laughed (a bit green perhaps) and prayed for someone to come and save me. But now I simply can't bring myself to put his ego above my precious time, waiting to be spent on something that actually matters. Maybe I'm pretentious as well... :-)

    • DLK

      <3

  • Flora Fleempaard

    I have gotten too old to be a good girl.

    • DLK

      I know :-)

  • Yacon Root

    I love looking at your web site. It was rather thrilling. :-)

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